Lacking the true Christmas spirit

A dear friend in England emailed me last week concerned at the ghastliness of receiving a festive email from his old alma mater, Oxford University’s Lincoln College, wishing him “Happy Holidays.” What he found particularly galling was the fact that the college was founded in 1427 by the then Bishop of Lincoln for students “who would defend the mysteries of Scripture against those ignorant laymen who profaned with swinish snouts its most...

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The end of a sordid era

I played a prank in 1962, unofficially opening Masterton’s new Post Office from a nearby rooftop 10 minutes before the Postmaster-General Mr Arthur Kinsella was due to do so officially. I had a false beard and moustache attached intending to be unrecognisable. The incident gained notoriety nationally and even internationally and I was described as a “Castro-like” figure. Fidel Castro was persona-non-grata at the time and I hadn’t intended...

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What's in a name?

The long-suffering ratepayers of Auckland were justifiably outraged when they discovered their foolhardy city council had spent $500,000 to come up with an improbable slogan. The city’s proposed new global brand “Auckland, the place desired by many” was worked on by three project staff over a two year period while 115 council staff attended workshops. To his credit the new mayor Phil Goff was not impressed.It reminded me of a similar...

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The life of Brian

The founder of Christianity told a wealthy young man who wanted to know what he needed to do to atone that “It will be easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” It seemed a strange hyperbole, but many theologians believe that the needle Jesus was speaking of was the “needle gate,” an after-hours entrance found in the walls surrounding Jerusalem. A camel could only enter after...

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The great big melting pot

Let me list some typically modern Anglo-Saxon names for you. Ash Dixon, Ben May, Chris Eves, Jacob Skeen, Joe Royal, Kane Hames, Leighton Price, Reed Prinsep, Shane Christie, Tom Franklin, Billy Guyton, Brad Weber, James Lowe, Jason Emery, Marty McKenzie, Matt Proctor and Tim Bateman.The more rugby street-smart among you will recognise of course that these young men are members of the Maori rugby team that recently completed a moderately...

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Get ready for the ride

An insurance company newsletter emailed to me last week had an opening sentence that read: “No one saw this coming; no one thought it would happen” referring of course to the US election results.Well if you’d stuck with the mainstream media over the exhaustingly long election campaign that might well have been the case, but when anyone asked me who would win the US election - and very few did - I would inevitably say “Trump will bolt...

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Avoiding a regional civil war

A few years ago, when the government were keen as mustard for us to join with Wellington and its near neighbours to form a super city, those local body cadres who rule our roosts joined together to fight the Mephistophelian suggestion. They spent a small fortune on consultant’s, instructing them to discredit the concept and to particularly pour cold water on the Greater Wellington Regional Council’s claim that it spent millions more in...

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Insightful rugby analysis

Both my parents were keen tennis players and to enhance their skills they built a volley board in our back yard. It was quite an edifice; with a single tennis court size concrete pad in front and the height of the board itself was about the same as the cross bar of a rugby goal post. In the winter months I could use this to kick a football over and as a result I became a fairly proficient at goal kicking. At the commencement of the rugby...

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Do as I say, not as I do

Like many of you I have a smartphone that regularly posts alerts of news as it happens with succinctly-written pop-ups. This service is an unsolicited add-on if you have downloaded the apps of NZ Herald, One News and Stuff. The brief messages are invariably tidings of bad news with murders, car crashes and violent assaults dominant. It’s part of our human nature that compels us to eagerly absorb these catastrophes. We read recently where...

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Smile, you're on candid camera

Many years ago I became acquainted with a part-Maori man named Robert who would often come into my office unannounced and tell me that God spoke to him. Initially I was sceptical, but I came to realise that the utterances, apparently from higher plain, were actually full of wisdom and were articulately expressed. So instead of looking for a reason to appear too busy to see him, I would resignedly accept his visits and listen to his dialogue....

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Well I'll be doggone!

I’ve recently reached the conclusion that the keeping of domestic pets is an endeavour coming to an inevitable end. Last week we learnt that the Wellington City Council have offered to desex the city’s cats at virtually no cost to their owners. If the desexing programme is successful then within a few cat generations the species will have disappeared altogether. Game, set and match to Gareth Morgan.Cats aren’t the first in line. Circuses...

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A fond memory

Entertainment back the 1950s, sans television of course, came in many forms, not the least being, in the summer anyway, the weekly swimming sports at the Dixon Street baths. This public swimming pool was situated opposite Trust House Memorial Park. They were known as the “men’s baths” though both men and women were admitted. Demure and sensitive women could bathe at the gender exclusive “ladies baths” which were at the northern end of...

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The world's most expensive urine

t’s fascinating to think about the “miracle” health products promoted over the years that have come and gone. They have almost exclusively been advertised on radio and usually on those stations whose target audience is mature.Let me run you through some of these vendibles. There was bee pollen and then the new improved “potentiated” bee pollen. We had “Biomag;” an under-blanket peppered with magnets to ease back pain. There was “Body...

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Contemplating a life of iniquity

I have decided that I am going to commit a crime. I’m not exactly sure just what sort yet. It will need to have an outcome that will advantage me personally, so I may rob a bank or a great train. I could lower my sights slightly. For instance it would be fun to steal say a Lamborghini, but I would probably need to go to Auckland to access one which would be a bit of a nuisance. You may be wondering why, after a relatively blameless life...

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A mad Monday in Melbourne

I happened to be in Melbourne on the occasion of my 50th birthday. I was with a tour group of NZ meat retailers, about 40 in all, husbands and wives, seeing what we might glean from observing the craftsmanship of our Aussie counterparts. My fellow travellers decided to put on a surprise party for me in the lounge bar in our hotel. I’ve should have known I was going to be the meat in the sandwich when I observed that most of the...

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Bridging the age gap

A delightful story I read in a Readers Digest concerned a rail commuter en-route to New York who was sitting next to a professional bridge player. The traveller took the opportunity to tell the bridge expert about a hand of bridge he had been dealt the night before and how he had acted upon it. He particularly wanted to know had he played the hand correctly, or should he have represented it differently. The bridge man considered the...

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Killing us softly

Cell phones have been around since the 1980s and since their inception there have been numerous claims as to the health risks linked to their usage. Doomsayers suggest electromagnetic radiation can cause genetic damage, brain dysfunction, brain tumours and other conditions such as sleep disorders and headaches. I’m starting to believe there is more than a grain truth to these dire predictions. Since I’ve had a cell phone my hair has receded,...

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The country of tomorrow

American satirist H. L. Mencken once famously said: “The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populous alarmed - and hence clamour to be led to safety - by menacing it with and endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.” I suspect there are a similar group of Cassandra-like sports journalists eager to do the same.Before the 2016 Summer Olympics we were bombarded with negative comments telling us why the tournament...

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The trans-Tasman enigma

I’ve just spent a couple of week in Aussie where things looked prosperous, however I was assured by those in the know that they are in fact on the cusp of a recession. We spent a few days in a town called Ballina in Northern New South Wales where we have friends. Ballina has an almost identical population to Masterton’s and so I was keen to make comparisons. The town has a main street about as extensive as ours, but it also boasts two...

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Contemplating the unthinkable

In recent times at least fifty-two percent of the populous were rejoicing at the prospect that the world would soon be run by women. Angela Merkel was well-ensconced in the German powerhouse, Theresa May bowed reverently towards the Queen, took over the reins in Britain and then went on to deliver a scathing but witty admonition to the hapless Jeremy Corbyn in their strangely-configured House of Commons. Since then however Helen Clark’s...

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Comparisons are odious

Back in 1978 I was walking along on my own down a street in San Francisco when I was beckoned by an African-American man who was working under the bonnet of his car on the side of the road. I felt most uncomfortable. I had seen enough TV dramas to know that blacks in America were all criminals and I was certain that I was about to become another victim of a violent crime. I was probably going to be bashed and robbed of my exiguous wallet,...

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A stifling regulatory environment

Six near-new, well-designed and beautifully-crafted buildings are under scrutiny accused of not meeting the stringent new earthquake codes. This should be ringing alarm bells all around Masterton’s central business district. Throw the solidly-built majestic town hall into the mix and you can’t help but conclude that government regulators have gone quite mad. One of New Zealand’s biggest ever earthquakes occurred in Masterton in 1942....

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Unknown powers and principalities

As a youngster I had two maiden aunts who spoilt me rotten. In the back corner of my grandfather’s vast section there was an oak tree with a hollowed-out trunk where apparently fairies resided. On those rare occasions when I was well-behaved they would suggest I go and talk to these invisible creatures and a treat might magically appear on the windowsill outside the kitchen. On one occasion I espied my aunt Joan placing a chocolate...

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Good news for the addicted

The prime time TV show Location, Location, Location features an on-screen husband and wife team who scour urban Great Britain for a house to suit clients who all seem to have one thing in common. They want their new dwelling to be within walking distance of a café. The café culture is one of the great paradoxes of the modern world. Walk down any main street in New Zealand today - and I may be exaggerating here – and every second shop...

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Actions worsen and time softens

My earliest recollection of life is visiting my father in hospital when I was nearly three years old. I vividly remember this for two reasons. First we weren’t allowed to go into the hospital proper because he had diphtheria and was therefore isolated. I recall my mother holding me up to the window so I could talk to my father from the wide concrete window-ledge above the solid brick wall.The main reason the memory endures however, was...

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