From time to time I devote the column inches of my article to searching locally, nationally and internationally for the most important questions that currently need to be contemplated.
Here they are:
1. If Oracle’s catamaran was designed and made almost entirely in N.Z., and if their CEO is Sir Russell Coutts, and if Jimmy Spittle owns a multi-million dollar home in Auckland then how come Peter Montgomery didn’t say as he concluded his commentary of the last race “And the America’s Cup is once again New Zealand’s cup?”
2. What will happen to the All Blacks if Larry Ellison sets his sights on the next Rugby World Cup?
3. If next year’s general election is fought on the notion of a David and Goliath battle between Cunliffe and Key won’t Cunliffe have the advantage given his Christian name?
4. Does anybody find it odd that the people who gave us golf and called it a game are the very same people who gave us bagpipes and called it music?
5. And while we’re on that subject, if there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?
6. Why do vegetarians never care about the insects killed to produce vegetables?
7. Are people more vigorously opposed to fur than leather because it’s easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
8. If Good King Wenceslas ordered a pizza, would it be deep pan, crisp and even?
9. If you mixed vodka and orange juice with milk of magnesia would you get a Phillips screwdriver?
10. Did the ANZ Corporation purchase the National Bank in Lincoln Road so you could buy a pie when you walked out the front door?
11. Why are “Save the Trees” signs made of wood?
12. When will TV One finally abandon Seven Sharp and give us back a decent current affairs programme?
13. There is a lot of comedy on TV. Does that cause comedy to break out on the streets?
14. Why do we call countries that haven’t yet trashed their environment “undeveloped?”
15. Is Sir Russell Coutts another Lord Haw-Haw?
16. Why do women’s libbers have trouble with chairMAN but not feMALE?
17. How come no one said “it’s only a boat race” when Team New Zealand was winning?
18. Why don’t we refer to the Northern Hemisphere as “up over?”
19. Kim Dot Com says he will sponsor Team New Zealand next time. Will that be before or after he pays for the undersea telecommunications cable he promised us?
20. Why is it our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
21. Have you ever heard any one call February, Feb-roo-air-ee?
22. If Fonterra lost millions of customers worldwide after its “Botulism scare” how come they are forecasting a record pay-out for next season?
23. If you left your windscreen wipers going all the time, could you park illegally without getting a ticket?
24. What’s the difference between a pioneer and an illegal immigrant?
25. If the GH in enough is pronounced like an “F” and the O in women like an “I” and the TI in nation like an “SH” how come fish isn’t spelt GHOTI?
26. Why don’t we ever see the headline: “Psychic wins Lotto?”
27. Would you ever buy anything from Briscoe’s that didn’t have 60 per cent off?
28. If the pen is mightier than the sword and a picture is worth a thousand words how dangerous is an email?
29. If every country in the world is in debt, where did all the money go?
30. And finally, a question with an answer. Ever wondered why gorging on delicious puddings makes your kids hyperactive? Try spelling desserts backwards.
The rest of the answers I will give to you in my column of the 29th of Feb-roo-air-ee next year!
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