Wednesday, 21 September 2016

Contemplating a life of iniquity

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I have decided that I am going to commit a crime. I’m not exactly sure just what sort yet. It will need to have an outcome that will advantage me personally, so I may rob a bank or a great train. I could lower my sights slightly. For instance it would be fun to steal say a Lamborghini, but I would probably need to go to Auckland to access one which would be a bit of a nuisance.

You may be wondering why, after a relatively blameless life I suddenly intend to embark upon such a distraction, but I have come to the inevitable conclusion that crime does in fact pay.

I’m not one of those people who think we should lock people up and throw away the key, but some of the sentences handed down these days, or not handed down in some cases, are farcical and no real deterrent.

I read recently about an accountant in Blenheim who robbed an elderly couple of $250,000, but had his sentence reduced because he had dementia. And then last week an heir to the Delegat winery fortune was given a mere $5000 fine and 300 hours of community service after brutally assaulting a policewoman. The crimes I intend to commit will involve no brutality and I reckon my whole family will willingly testify under oath that I have mild dementia; some will even go a step further and the report that the dementia is bordering on being severe.

Unfortunately I can’t remember which members of the family will actually say that.

My mother’s maiden name was Biggs and I’m thinking that the late Great Train Robber Ronald Biggs was possibly a relation, so perhaps it’s in my blood to set my sights on KiwiRail. It would be very easy to board the Wellington/Wairarapa train as it is always stopping - sometimes intentionally, often not - but I’m a bit perplexed as to where they might store all the money. I’m sure one of the conductors will willingly point me in the right direction, particularly when I tell him of my distant relative who, from memory, also ended up with dementia.

And anyway if I get caught, and even if I appear before a so-called “hanging judge,” given I have no previous convictions the most likely outcome will be home detention, which won’t faze me. I will be able to catch up on some TV programmes I’ve recorded, but never got around to watching. For example I don’t think I saw the last episode of The Beverly Hillbillies.

Also the leg bracelet will give the dog something to chew on.

I will get the lovely Nadia Lim to deliver her food bag daily and pay her handsomely from the money I stole from the train stashed under the mattress.

As I write this I am starting to get quite excited about my new career. I will use the cover of darkness in the Rimutaka tunnel to threaten the guard and rob the train and I will park my newly acquired Lamborghini at Maymorn to expedite a quick getaway.

There’s not a police car in the country that could catch me.

“I broke a mirror in my house which is supposed to be seven years bad luck. My lawyer thinks he can get me five.” - Steven Wright


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